A letter to myself

 Finally,

It is literally hurting on the inside that I am not being able to keep up with myself. I plan something and then do something totally different. I don't want to be fed up with myself. I know I am more than capable to achieve what I have dreamed of..

Just need a little bit of direction. I have exams in few months and I am not focused at all because of certain circumstances but these circumstances were their when I was 16 and just out of school, they were in certain form, at 17, when I decided I needed to take a drop and study extensively for the medical examination and now again here they come knocking at 18. I don't want to loose this battle I have a promise to keep that I made to myself and someone who is most important  to me too. It's no pressure but I am crumbling. There is no one forcing me but I feel some sort of opposition from what I don't know.

Dear Sam,

This is 18 years old you. I hope when you read this in future you are what you want to be and in good health. I am writing this to let you know that from today onwards I am trying to stir my life in the direction that I think is important for me now. Yes you heard it right. Seeing all the circumstances around I once again came to a conclusion that some people never change because after a certain incident which has totally changed the way I looked at life up until now their was still a flicker of hope but now let's accept the harsh reality and live with it. This year has been worse on personal front. I kept these emotions to myself just too long to break myself up so I am writing it away and noting the places where I lack. ''Life is fragile, emotionally exhausting too sometimes but if we keep faith in ourselves even the storms make way for us''. This I learned this year. I till now have not come to the point where I can talk about the emotional ride that I went through and maybe won't ever be able to talk about it. I have lost my way and found it, I have smiled in front and cried in the corners, I became emotional pillar so strong and so brave but broke inside. But I also want you to know that I have found my people, I have gone through many lives and discovered some amazing personalities through books. I know that the story is painful but it is also one of hope, of never giving up, of believing yourself more than anyone, of telling the pain to come face to face and of courage. I want you to know that hard times will always come knock at your door sometimes they will even enter your home and at certain times take the ground beneath you, but know that even then you always have the capacity to start things over again. Sam just know that when life seems arduous know that it's short and when it seems aggressive know that it's for a short time as life is indeed long. Situation come and go but life only comes once, so do your best, live as you want and make those dream real. I am once again starting over as the ground was taken and I hope that I am resilient in the future too. 

I love you and I care about you and also accept you as you are.

With love,

Simran (Sam as I like it)

It feels great after writing it down☺. I am not pitying myself but confronting. With this I am standing up and rebuilding my home. I am not going to give up. If anyone reads this I will tell you same I know what it feels to be at never ending bottom but know that light exists somewhere above and not too far. Everyone let's keep fighting and making our way to the place where we want to be. It's not going to rain forever and some rainy days will even bring warmth and happiness.