There's a peculiar weight that settles on my heart these days. It's a feeling that tugs at the edges of my consciousness, a subtle whisper that reminds me of the fleeting nature of now. I find myself mourning the present as if it's already a memory, grieving for moments even as I live through them.
This sentiment, I believe, is not entirely unique to me. I have always been a nostalgic person living by pages already turned. But especially now that I have crossed the threshold from adolescence into adulthood. Growing up is a strange experience; you don’t realize it’s happening until one day, you find yourself on the other side, looking back and wondering where the time has gone. Suddenly, you’re another year older, and you're right in the middle of it all again. Over the past few years, many things have changed for me—mostly for the better. Yet, I still feel like I’m saying goodbye to a world that once felt so familiar, to a time in my life that was warm and comfortable. It often feels like I’m experiencing countless losses, moments I’ll never get to relive.
As C.S. Lewis aptly put it, “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different?
The realisation that you can never experience being 14 or 16 or 18 again, the fact that you can only replay your happiest moments in your mind countless of times, but no matter how much you long, fight, scream or cry you can never go back to it. Each passing year just becomes a collection of memories, vivid yet untouchable, preserved in the vault of our minds and I talk about all those moments in detail, and my thoughts around it as I grew up. This feeling of nostalgia was a bitter-sweet one but slowly it turned more bitter eventually leading to more sadness and fear, fear of losing people, losing moments, this happiness, this gush of emotions, I lived in the lone moments of thinking that one day all of this will eventually end, that this story will end, even during where I would find myself having fun I would have this tinge of melancholiness echoing inside of me as if I was already looking at it as a distant memory. All these smiling faces will be blurred and the reason for this happiness will be lost. That one day this too will become the past. This too will become a past and you will mourn it. This too will......................and you will mourn it.
I don't know the exact timeline when but slowly and
steadily while reading these lines again and again the tunes around it changed the ones blue were giving way for a little sunshine to touch it. This too will become a past and you will mourn it, but does that not mean that the present is beautiful, it's so warm and kind and the fact that I will miss it so dearly when it's over means that it's so much more beautiful now. I realize that there is so much beauty and love around me, the faces are clear, the smiles are bright, it's colourful, vibrant and alive. It's fresh and not locked up in some memory room, it's here and it's breathing and I want to live every bit of it while it's here.
I am still the same person, I still go to the lanes of nostalgia, remembering the love, the loss, and the lessons but I am also learning to turn that bitter to sweet, to be grateful for the present. I know these moments are going to turn into memories and stories to tell, I know that as much as I would want the people in my life to stay as long as I possibly can time slowly drift them away, I know that I will never be 14 or 16 or 18 again and those moments will never come back and for that reason, I will appreciate my present a little bit more. For now, I choose to turn away from my past and future and belong truly to my present which is Incandescent. This too will become a past and you will mourn it. I will mourn it.
BUT NOT YET.
Impressive!! Great content!!
ReplyDelete